ventito | Chris - Until Dawn

[Ashley doesn't blame him for not smiling. She thought she'd want to, when they all got out of the lodge and it blew them off their feet and those damn wendigo to bits. She thought it'd be like the movies, where they'd all stare in shock and then break out into cheers and laughter and joy.

But it wasn't like that. There wasn't a single ounce of joy to be had seeing the lodge go up in flames. There was just that knotted feeling in her gut, like she'd swallowed a bunch of rocks, and the desire to just bury her face in the snow and dirt and never get up again.

She's just glad he'd understand. They all would. It was hard keeping it all together enough to talk to the cops, but around each other... around each other, they didn't need to pretend.]

Just some painkillers. Said I could get some better stuff once they brought us all to the hospital.

[She's still tense, on the razor's edge of just managing to keep it together and falling apart again. Her shoulders are hunched up, and she's picking unconsciously at her glove - the one still splattered in almost-dry blood.]

Do you... do you need help? With your leg?

Yeah? That's good.

[Nothing was 'good' about this fucking situation. Not a single damn thing. He'd give anything to go back in time, somehow stop this whole mess from happening. He should have talked to Josh more. Spent more time with him. Seen the fissures of his psyche turn into gaping holes. He's supposed to be Josh's best friend, and he let him down.

Boom. Butterfly effect.]

I'm- [He's about to say 'okay', but he really, really isn't.] They say I've probably torn something, or whatever. The doctors'll know better. For now, I've got this fancy crutch, so I can hobble like a pro. I'll be in the Hobbling Olympics next year; watch this space.

[He waggles the crutch a little. It's a poor attempt at humour, it doesn't carry the same ridiculousness he usually brings to his jokes. It feels horribly, coldly hollow. He's doing it more on autopilot than anything else. Because telling jokes is Something Chris Does.

Maybe a distraction is needed? Yeah. Distractions are good. Maybe they can pretend they're just teenagers who haven't come out of a living hell. Just two teenagers. In a police station. Covered in dry blood. Yeeeep.]

Hey. You hungry? My wallet is uh- [in the cabin] but I think I can wrangle up a dollar from the change in my pockets for the vending machine.

[A part of her is definitely hungry, because honestly, she hasn't had anything to eat since before the cable car trip up to the lodge. A part of her is disgusted at the idea of eating, because.... well. How can you just eat and do normal things after the previous night?

But the smart little voice in her head that hasn't been completely smothered also points out that if she doesn't eat something now, they're probably going to make her eat something once they get to the hospital. And god, if they serve any kind of meat, she's almost certain she'd lose it.

So. Vending trash it is.]

Stale vending machine crackers and poptarts? Sounds like Thanksgiving dinner to me right now.

[She makes an attempt to laugh as well, but it comes out as more of a huff. She was never as good at joking through stressful times as Chris was, so it falls especially flat today.]

I've still got some change too. No reason to add one more thing to fret about here.

[Chris is definitely deciding on a veggie diet for the rest of his life. Meat shall never again pass his lips. Nope.

He manages a little smile for her sake, before moving carefully in the direction of the vending machines. Man, he's glad they gave him painkillers, they haven't done a whole lot, but they've at least taken the edge off. Makes it all a little...duller.]

Then you shall have a vending-y banquet fit for a queen!

[He lets out a sigh.]

I hear that. My worry meter has been maxed out. And it's just gonna get worse once my parents find out what happened. For the first time in my life, I'm glad I don't have my cell phone.

[When he starts walking, Ashley shuffles around him, so that she's walking next to him on his bad side. She's been absolutely shit all night, unable to do much of anything really, so if the only thing she can do now is make sure he doesn't fall and hurt himself worse... well. There's no way she's going to fail that.]

... What are we even going to tell them? The cops obviously don't believe us, so who knows what they're gunna tell everyone...

[God... what are they going to say to Josh's parents...?]

[He'd appreciate that. The cops have already chided him for using a leg he definitely should not have been using in the state it was in. They didn't seem particularly moved when he explained he had to use the leg to run away from the fucking monsters trying to eat him. His brow furrows. ]

Probably that we had some wild party and we all got baked out of our skulls. Unless they go into the mines themselves, what proof have we got? Naddah. To them, we're just a bunch of teenagers who set fire to our friends parents log cabin - and got him lost in the woods.

[He feels his heart wrench again. He's known the Washingtons for a long time. He was there when Josh was trying to explain to them why he hadn't been watching his sisters. How the guilt had clawed into him and never let go. He watched that family try everything to find the twins, only to slowly lose hope. And now they have to go through all of it again.

His shoulders sag, and he lets out a shuddery breath. He's been working hard to keep it together, but now the threat is gone, now they're out of that mess, it's harder to keep a lid on things. He can't rely on adrenaline to keep himself going any more.]

This is all such fucking bullshit. [He can hear the waver in his voice, but he doesn't care any more.]

[There's just... something so wrong about the way Chris slumps like that. Despite what he may think, he's been so strong throughout the night, and she's pretty sure he's a major reason of why she's even still sane right now.

She leans over, just a little, so she can lean her head against his arm. It's okay Chris, you don't need to be the strong one anymore.]

I'm sorry...

[When she rests her head on his arm, he just stops. He closes his eyes, and takes in a deep, shuddery breath. He's not going to lose it in the corridor of some backwater police station. He's not. ]

I- I should've noticed. I'm supposed to be his best friend. I should've seen he was getting worse, that he wasn't taking his meds. If I had, maybe I could've stopped any of this happening. Made him get help. I don't know. Something.

[Instead of not seeing it. Of letting his best friend down. The best friend he thought he'd killed with a flip of a switch just a few hours before. Yeah. Friend of the year award goes to him, for sure. ]

But nooooooope. I didn't. And now he's stuck down those mines being- being fucking eaten by those things. He didn't deserve that. He was just sick, it wasn't-

[He takes another deep breath. In. Out. It's hard to connect His Best Friend Josh with the Josh that tortured them with his twisted little games. Those two people don't fit together. That scared, angry kid was not the same one he'd spent the better part of his life hanging out with.]

He wasn't really being him.

[Ashley... really shouldn't be surprised that Chris is blaming himself for this, but still, her heart twists at his words, and she steps in front of him, for once glad that she's so much shorter than him, because it'll be a lot easier to look him in the eye even if he tries to look down and avoid it.]

Chris, no. Nononono...

[She reaches up, and for a moment, it almost looks like she's going to put her hands on his cheeks. But she pauses at the last minute, before setting them on his shoulders.

It's still... weird. This whatever-it-is between them. And now's not the time to address it, so it's back to dancing around each other.]

You can't... you can't blame yourself for this. Don't say you didn't do enough; you did! I know you did. You spent so much time with him, and his parents... you did everything a best friend should.

[She doesn't bring up the first trap. She refuses to. That... it's not fair to count that against Chris. Either choice he made would've been horrible in some way]

You can't put Josh's mental health all on you.

[He starts as she moves. True, it's what he's wanted for a very, very long time. Them. Together. If there's one single good thing to come out of this mess, it's that it finally made him tell her how he felt. Funny what thinking you're about to die does. He can't unsay those things, and he doesn't want to. Right now, it's on his List of Things to Process. Just...not quite yet.

So he relaxes his shoulders a little as she rests he hands on them. He closes his eyes, takes another deep breath, uses her presence as an attempt to ground himself.]

But I didn't do enough.

[And that hurts. That after everything, he couldn't get everyone he loved out of that mess. That his life is going to have this chunk ripped out of it, and it wasn't fair. He'd give anything to have Josh standing behind him, calling him Cochise again and telling him to just get the hell on with it with Ash. Anything.]

I'm really gonna miss him.

[That was quiet, almost murmured. He allows himself that moment of sorrow, of self-indulgence, before finally looking at her properly. ]

Sorry. Shit. You've been through hell, too. How're you feeling?

[Because it's far easier to focus on someone else's problems than his own right now. Looking after someone else, he can do. Himself? Not as much. ]

You did all that you could. And you put a big effort into it! That... it's not a bad thing, Chris. And... it sort of goes both ways, y'know? He wasn't telling you everything. He wasn't letting you help as much as you could. He was hiding things...

[She's not really sure what she feels most bitter about. Josh punching her out twice and rigging her up in those fucked-up traps that would make his horror movie director dad proud, or just. Him hurting Chris. Obviously shunning Chris. If he was doing it to get back at her, she would've understood that, in some twisted way. But Chris had absolutely nothing to do with any part of the prank. He didn't deserve any bit of what Josh did to him.

And yet...]

... I'm gunna miss him too.

[Miss the Josh she thought she knew, at least.]

And... I don't really know, to be honest. So much went on and I kept having to push all these different feelings around. But now that we have time to stop and think about it all... I don't really know what to feel.

... I do know I'm worried about you, though.

I know....I know.

[And it hurts, that Josh hid that from him. That he hid away instead of letting Josh help him. That, combined with all the bullshit traps he;d gone though, Chris is starting to wonder if he'd done something to turn Josh against him. A small part of him hopes that's the case. So he can put some logic in the utter betrayal he's faced.

...And he did, ultimately, choose Ashley. He'd hated it. It made him sick. But the choice has still been made. ]

I'm -

[Really, seriously Not Okay. He knows something deep inside him has horribly and irrevocably broken. He can feel it, this prevailing feeling of wrongness in the pit of his stomach.

He moves to ruffle a hand on the beanie on her head. It's a little too mechanical to be the funny gesture he's trying to make it seem. Hah hah, funny old Chris.]

I'm still pretty hungry. Yep. The hunt for the mystical vending machine doth continues.

[It may not work in its attempt to be a funny gesture, but... the hand on her head is rather comforting. It's a gentle, solid weight against her, and she almost shakes as she leans into the touch.

After a full night of being punched, slapped, and shoved and chased around, it's just... good. To have something nice like this.]

... You don't have to pretend, you know. I know "I know what you're going through" is usually super shitty and empty words of comfort, but... we were all there. You don't have to hide it from any of us.

[He gives her a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. Pretending is exactly what's getting him through this right now. A short time of denial before it all comes crashing over him and there's no going back. ]

I'm not- [Yeah, he is.] I just... need to processing time, I guess? If I think about it took much, it feels like my head's gonna explode. And no one wants that. My head's too pretty to explode.

Way too pretty.

[... Judging by how flat her voice is when she says that, she isn't really joking. And she only realizes after the fact that she said that out loud and OH BOY okay just. Just pretend you didn't say that, Ash....]

I don't know if my head is going to explode or implode. Either way, just thinking hurts.

... I guess this means midterms and finals are gunna be a breeze now, huh?

[... It feels weird to talk about school. To talk about normal teenager things. Geez, how would they be able to go back to all that now...?]

[He definitely heard that. Normally, that would make him an awkward, stammering wreck, but his brain has had far too much to process to allow embarrassment into the frame. He clears his throat, somewhat awkwardly, painfully aware at some point they need to take the pin out of what they've started on the mountain...whatever that thing is, and talk about it, but right now, his brain is too fried. Baby steps. ]

I don't know, I think I could still slide in a couple gym nightmares in amongst all the other ones. There's still some space in amongst all the abject terror.

[Maybe a wendigo chasing him up a rope. Oh, yeah, great brain, now he'll definitely have that one. Great. ]

Geez, you must have had some really bad gym experiences...

[Are they... are they joking? Really? It feels so weird. Like things might actually be some shade of normal.]

But I'd take embarrassing locker room scenarios and bad games of dodgeball any day now, if it means I didn't have to think about... all of this

Yeah. Trust me. The gym is not the natural habitat of the technophile.

[Gym is the worst, ok. The absolute worst.

The joking does feel weird. What used to be part of Chris's natural patter don't feel right any more. He's saying the words, but there's no joy behind them. ]

I'm right there with you on that one. I miss when the only thing I had to worry about was if the coach caught me hiding under the bleachers to avoid a rousing bout of running in eternal circles.

[Track. He means track. ]

How do you think I felt? Reading all the time doesn't exactly give you an amazonian buff body, you know.

[HAVE FUN WITH THAT MENTAL IMAGE, CHRIS]

... I got away with it sometimes, though. I used to tell them the books I was reading were for English. [Any hint of a smile that may have crossed her face as they reminisced disappears, and her voice sort of. Trails off.] They used to be spooky stories. Weird, right? But in the middle of the day, with a lot of light and background noise... that's the only way I'd be able to handle stuff like that.

[Sorry, he kind of zoned out for a minute there. Somewhere after 'Amazonian buff body' his brain short circuited. He stares off into space, before realising she's still talking. Okay, okay focus. Focus on the words and not the mental image they bring.

Something something spooky stories.]

I'm pretty sure nothing they could write could top the real thing. I know the movies don't. I'm one hundred percent done with spooky for a long while.

[He's also burning all his Saw blu rays. No thanks. ]

[... She looks a little concerned when he starts zoning out, but he seems to snap out of it. So... okay then...]

For a while? Try forever. Just... [She shakes her head, crossing her arms over her stomach.] I-I don't know how people can find that stuff entertaining. I never understood it, but n... now...

[That last word trails off into a whine. God, the idea of people watching a movie or reading a book that's anything like what they went through, and enjoying that sort of suffering... where it once just made her roll her eyes, now it makes her sick. ]

[It's called Being a Teenage Boy, it's the best. ]

Well, I didn't mind them all that much. I mean, I watched them all the time when me and Josh were kids.

[His voice wavers on his best friend's name. Josh always did love horror movies the most, and now look what's happened. He created one, just for them. This was no sneaking into Josh's dad's mini theatre at ten years old to watch the latest film he'd worked on, even when they'd been told no, they were too young for that. This had become something real, and terrible.]

They lose their fun once you've lived through one.

[Despite the turn their conversation took again, Ashley manages to roll her eyes. Of course those two would be the kids to watch R-rated movies when they're still in elementary school...]

I'll help you get rid of all your horror movies if you help me get rid of all my ghost story books.

[He manages a smile at that, a small one, but a smile all the same, and offers her his free hand. Shake on it.]

You got yourself a deal.

[She reaches out to shake his hand. It's supposed to be a casual gesture, something supposed to be silly, but her grip is tight, and she doesn't seem to realize it.]

It's... definitely something good to look forward to. After the hospital.

[She needs to have something to look forward to, or else she's not sure how she's going to get through this ordeal ahead...]

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